What Do You See?

Yesterday during an interview for the state medical coverage that my son receives, I was asked a question. Well, really, it was the 100th question or so... we had gone over all of his issues and doctors and needs and goals and therapy plans. I’m used to answering all of those questions. It’s my main job, keeping track of all of that—keeping track of him and all his doctors, juggling which issue is most pressing and which specialist we should call this week.

Then, she asked me a question I couldn’t answer.

“What do you see in your son’s future?”

The question still brings me to tears. My perfectionism wants an outline, an answer, a “crystal ball”. I long for a vision from God of him as an adult. But I just can’t see it. I can’t find it in my mind’s eye.

All my fears are bundled up in my son. I realize that every year I am afraid this is where he will get stuck. But every year he proves me wrong. Still, the great unknown looms out there. What will high school be for him? Will he be able to go to college? Have a job of his own? How many of his dreams will he be able to accomplish? And how many heartbreaks will he endure?

But then I realize that none of these answers are provided for either of my children – or even for me. Here is where faith and trust come to a crisis for me. The hardest thing in the world for me to do is let go of my children. My comfort comes from knowing that in Whose hands I entrust them is the Creator of the universe. He knows what the future holds, good, bad, scary, painful, wonderful, miraculous.

I just very wisely told a friend that while God knows the plan and He is in control, I believe he is far more interested in who I am while I am waiting for the plan to be completed. And as soon as I said it, I knew that it was the answer to the question I could not answer.

I can’t know the answer, but I can know Him. And in knowing Him, He will direct my path (and my children’s as they grow to know and love Him). And if He, who is all knowing and all powerful and all good, is directing my path, then how can I fear?